I had not suffered from anxiety attacks for a few months, but some recent happenings brought them right back to my reality again. How much I fear them, how much I get into a state of panic when I feel them arising.
Yesterday I was in the middle of cooking and out of nowhere I felt the sadness slowly wanting to flood over, my heart began racing and I felt my stomach tightening. I tried to calm myself, asking where it came from right now? – No answer. I wondered if it was really mine? – No answer. I tried to carry on concentrating on my cooking, went into the garden to collect some veggies and herbs – No help. My heart started beating faster, my stomach became tighter and started burning. I took my Rescue remedy various times – No relieve.
More panic, more fear: what to do? where to run to? I ran into the garden and sat on the grass. Trying to breathe, then trying to concentrate on my breathing. A force pushed me to lay down on the grass. There I was fully connected to the trembling of my body, the heart racing so fast it could win a marathon, my stomach area ready to explode like a volcano. I couldn´t get up any more, I was flat on the ground. I felt my body so heavy as if I was sinking into the earth. I was in a grave, my own grave. It was heavy and dark and unbelievably real. My mind went blank – thank God and I just kept breathing, trying to feel all the sensations in my body. Dying, death all within me. And all I did was surrender. Maybe the first time in my life I consciously surrendered to this moment of death, no thinking, just being by my own death.
No idea, how many moments went by until I realized that my heart beat slowed down, that the fire became smaller, that the trembling and shivering of my body became calmer. My cat K´anchay had made himself comfortable on my belly, then being replaced by my dog´s head Killa.
I slowly calmed down and started feeling the tremendous embrace of Mother Earth, then finally started hearing the rushing sound of the water nearby, the sun shining on my face and the wind tickling my skin: You are alive (again).
For years I had run away from these attacks, I would never have them allowed to arise, “killing” them with sweets, alcohol, work, social media. I used to cry and flip, go mad, look for others being responsible for my anxiety. Anything, just not to embrace it. But I am on a body cleanse right now, so there was no escape.
And here I am, for the first time I really managed to overcome this incredibly powerful wave of emotions that want to be brought into awareness. So many phrases I had read about confronting, but finally I had been able to.
And today I embraced another one. And I did the same, then cried about the pain that is still alive inside me, then cried in relieve that it was possible to release one more layer of my onions. That doesn’t mean that I am not scared of more of these attacks wanting to be come to the surface, but is there an option, if my deepest prayer is to heal everything I can that still hurts within?
Healing is a life long journey, I start to understand and whilst being in this body there will never be an end. It is the way I am able to observe, manage, hold and embrace everything.