I have been diagnosed with three different kinds of parasites and a virus. As if one type of parasite wouldn´t be enough?! I have been living in South America for 8 years, I thought I had become pretty resistant to any dirty food or water. But at least I know now, why I feel so knocked out and in physical pain for weeks by now. And no medicine, neither alternative nor traditional helps so far.
Today I have been better for a moment again. It feels like there is a blocked filter in my mind/body/ soul that only opens up a slight bit and then blocks itself again. During the unblocked moments, many thoughts and sensations rushed through me, and some I want to share them with you.
I needed to leave Germany and later on Europe on my quest to find inner freedom and happiness, as I had mentioned in my previous blog posts. It has been a long, winding journey and an internal as well as external battle to let go of mental restrictions which we grow into, when living in a certain society: You must behave, act, live and think a certain way. Job, home, family, a holiday once or twice a year, making sure that you have enough financial security, once you retired so you can live happily and feely after many decades of hard work. My soul somehow didn´t want to accept this way of living, so I moved far away. Travelling and being far away from these restrictions, did I feel freedom and happiness? I must finally admit, that I haven´t been very happy in Bolivia either. Often I felt lonely, excluded, not understood and many times people took advantage of me being a foreigner. When you are a westerner in a poor country, people see mainly your money and I often acted as a giver in my (often subconsciously) desire for human equality, search for acceptance as well as the longing for love and worthiness. I also felt: It is not my abundance, I have been given it by the universe, so I should share it. But you can easily turn into a doormat.
I left Bolivia, gave everything up last December to move to the Sacred Valley in Peru after a very strong intuitive calling. My ideas of fulfilling my work dreams didn´t work out. As a result I fell into a deep hole. I gave up trying to create a reality of my life through my head. My current sickness doesn´t allow me to sit on the computer for longer than an hour, I cannot think, create or plan. Nor can I sleep well. And my mind feels somehow blank! And I feel so free. So free, that I could even allow myself to die. And what follows next? The mind wonders: Where does freedom take you? Knowing that you are all and nothing, that you have all and nothing? What am I doing here on Earth? I have been searching for so long, I have taken many courses, healed myself, opened up own wounds over and over again, so I can free myself. And what now? I feel empty. Can you believe it?? I just feel empty.
And then today the spark appeared of clarity, when asking myself: What do I want to do here in this life and on this Earth? And I don´t think about my tools anymore, I just knew that I want to bring happiness into people´s life. I want them to experience, that life is a magical and divine adventure and that it depends on our FREE WILL, how we decide to live it. I want people to find the inner light within themselves, help them move towards inner peace, freedom, love, abundance and happiness.