I had been wanting to write for the last couple of weeks, but somehow words didn´t flow to express what is currently going on inside me and in my life. But before leaving for the long awaited trip to Colombia this morning, I want to write down, maybe even more for myself, of what has changed during the last couple of months inside me.
Still having felt very weak and sick for a long time (I am only just starting to get better) stopped me from doing pretty much anything. My days consisted of lying in bed or in the garden, cooking something and eating a bit, sleeping, cleaning a bit, more resting. It sounded and felt embarrassing to myself for a long time, not being able to DO anything at all, but I was neither physically nor emotionally able to. To enter into a state of surrender and acceptance felt unbelievably challenging. You might laugh, if I tell you that meditating, yoga exercises or spiritual music were like a locked door to me that caused me at times even more nausea. Could that be or was it imagination? It doesn´t matter, all I know is, that I couldn´t connect to anything spiritual either to raise my vibration or hope.
And over time I observed something interesting happening. Without any effort I grounded more and more into the 3D world, into the roots of being in my human body (only now I realized how much I had been NOT connected, although I had always tried). Being sick, not being able to do anything, connected me so strongly to the here and now, that it felt like starting to live my physical life once again, just very consciously. My puppies helped a great deal. They were born about 5 weeks ago. I have never had puppies (especially accompanying a future mother during birth and then being a second mum). Needing to feed and clean them, watch them grow and develop became the highlight of my days. And they JUST develop. The puppies, just like my other dogs, have all different character and behavior, good and bad habits. Everyone is unique and accepts him/herself how he or she is, not wondering, questioning and self-punishing. They live their day in every moment, accepting every moment as it comes.
And so did I start doing the same but in a different way. When being a little bit better, I allowed myself to watch some romantic movies, to listen to some great 80s music full of old memories and to read some totally non-spiritual novels. Any of that I had not done in years and I feel I had missed out on something in years. Maybe my spirituality had become too strict and limiting.
Additionally, with some changes in my current life, and not having been able yet to create the project that I wanted to here in Peru, my partner said the other day. “Why don´t we just move to Germany?” I was so shocked about the question that my prompt reply was “Are you crazy?” You know that I don´t feel connected to Germany!” I had left my home country straight after university.
But sometimes a thought is outspoken and doesn´t disappear any more. Surely you know that feeling. And if you have followed my posts, then you might realize that my life path in South America had not been easy either. But returning to Germany? A country, which I have felt so disconnected from for nearly a life time?!
I wondered, whether my return wouldn´t be a real 3D- reality decision, to return home to friends and family, who have missed me for so many years? And even more so, spreading my wisdom, what I have learned over the years, to the people, who speak my mother tongue, who share the same culture in the bottom of my heart and soul? Sharing with these people my journey of finding inner peace and happiness as well as freedom with its challenges and achievements, who aren´t able or willing to take this step, because of many possible reasons or excuses, that we all know.
Sometimes we need to escape our routine and known world to be able to return one day as a new person. Haven´t many fairytales and legends been told that way?
And it is interesting to observe my own fears and excuses of not “being able” to return. I guess it is still a journey, a new one, to see what will happen and where these thoughts will take me, but they feel exciting and beautiful. Just REAL J
Have a wonderful day and appreciate every moment of it.