Searching - but what for?

It is the first time in about 7 weeks that I am sitting in front of my computer with the intention of sharing some thoughts publically again. It feels scary and strange as I have been going through a very profound physical, mental and emotional process since my move to Peru last December, which had been much more intensified during and after my soul level animal communication retreat with horses in May in Costa Rica.

Before leaving for Costa Rica I had started to create a business which felt, headed into the direction I had wanted to move to. And things seemed to fall into place: the possibility of opening a retreat center with a small hostel, putting ideas into practice of animal communication workshops, healing retreats, coaching projects etc. But everything collapsed after my return. After the first confusion I realized a sensation appearing: Freedom. Despite travelling for many years, spiritual journeys and explorations I had constantly been doing, working, planning, controlling. A friend of mine told me, that she had taken a year off work to travel and to get to know herself better, to break with the masculine system in our western societies. And here it was in bold in front of my inner eye: With MY choice of leaving my work, house and all its securities in Bolivia last year, I had ONCE AGAIN given myself the OPPORTUNITY to FULLY STEP INTO FREEDOM, to do what my heart desires. But instead I had spent the last few months trying to create a business, because this is what I expected of myself and others from me. Our society tells us: You cannot live without any plans, any security, and any stable income. I entered into a huge internal struggle of self-punishment, fear, guilt and judgment (i.e. you are lazy, you are not capable enough, you will end up on the street) and at the same time opening up to a creativity I had never explored in myself before.

A few weeks ago I couldn´t even bare being at home anymore, so my boyfriend, and I started travelling taking a tent and two of our dogs. Driving nearly 4000km in three weeks through Peru covering altitude differences of up to 5000m, I was still ridden with nightmares, horrible worries and doubts about my life and the future. When I broke my toe on the 5th day of travelling, whilst enjoying the waves in the Pacific Ocean, I had no more possibilities of travelling and exploration the way we had wanted to (i.e. big hikes). I cannot say how many days after something changed, which is very difficult to describe with words. I just surrendered to everything and everyone, dropping all expectations of myself, my life, my future. What happened then, I will share in my next post.

Many blessings